WELL. I just had a birthday where I was not violently ill and no other disasters occured! I CONSIDER THAT A WIN. Cee came all the way out to West London and I made her look in designer shops with me BECAUSE I STILL FIND THAT HILARIOUS and then we watched Julie and Julia which was ALL ABOUT FOOD and then we had italian food and then we retired to a super-classy chain pub where I drank bacardi because THAT IS WHAT 50 CENT WOULD HAVE WANTED and then I came HOME and I am INCAPABLE of telling if I'm going blind or not but being around people makes me a lot less convinced about my oncoming blindness. It is very tricky. But I was not struck blind on my birthday, which is SOMETHING!

Julie and Julia, half of the film was about lovely Meryl Streep and her lovely husband who I AM SURE I KNOW but I have no idea where from. I looked at his imdb and everything, maybe he just has one of those faces. Anyway, that half of the film was lovely. The other half was about a dreadful self-obsessed blogging girl who was sort of HILARIOUSLY awful. The film cleverly KNEW that she was awful and had people tell her that she was awful OVER AND OVER AGAIN, which made her more bearable. ALSO I spent the whole film staring at her friend and trying to figure out how I knew her and why she was so familiar. It turns out her friend was Mary Lou from the Larry Sanders Show! Who was totally incompetent and sullen and who took over from Janeane Garofalo and loved Sarah Silverman! And she looks EXACTLY THE SAME now and I had NO IDEA who she was and imdb was SO much more helpful in that case.

Also I really want to see the film with Scott Bakula and Buster. Dude.

I have been alive on this planet for 23 years and I have not died ONE SINGLE TIME and no one has declared nuclear war on anyone else and I have not been SMOTE DOWN by God (although I still think he might be in the rprocess of striking me blind, it's hard to say right now) and- IT IS VERY CONFUSING. I never expected to live to 23. I can still do shorthand, though, TWO YEARS ON.

Jim Halpert is the WORST. (Kelly is the best. Oscar gets points. ANGELA.) I love it when The Office is all about how Jim and Pam are secretly gigantic dicks. I quite LIKE Pam but she is sort of a dick just for being on Jim's team. Jim is the WORST. Also Dobby is just shameless wish-fulfillment but I just want her to love me anyway. Peep Show is not good at the moment but 'my life has been one long adjustment to loss' or however the line went was clearly CHEATING


I AM GOING TO BED NOW ILU ALL GOODNIGHT.

I can't believe I haven't talked about Connotations yet. Connotations was a bit awesome. I am suffering from a pretty epic bout of post-con lag, though, which is less helpful. Also my body is currently still recovering from the weekend of too much wine and too many roast potatoes and far too little sleep, but I'm sure my body will do EXEPTIONALLY well with these minor challenges.

So, yes. ( connotations was great )


I am way behind on telly. But! But! ( Is it just me or did Parks and Recreation unexpectedly get QUITE GOOD? )



I love Londo. There was an impromptu Londo/G'Kar Quantum Leap crossover. It was BRILL.

THINGS:

1. I have started to think of the hair you walk out of the hairdressers with as being like the 'serving suggestion' photo they put on the side of some food packets. Yes it's possible to do that with your hair. You might even get close. But there's pretty much no chance that you will ever truly replicate it so probably you shouldn't get too worked up over it.

2. I have watched TWO films, at least, where a director has chosen to signify a flashback by zooming in on the MOURNFUL EYES of one of the actors. Both of the times this happened, the actor being zoomed in on was Danny DeVito. Both of the times I went, "wow, whoever directed this sure is in love with Danny DeVito!" And then, both times, I looked the film up on imdb and discovered that the director WAS Danny DeVito. I can sort of understand this vanity zoom-in ONCE but I think that TWICE would be pushing it even if you had the most beautiful eyes in the WORLD.

3. I have gotten about fifteen minutes into the new Heroes and I don't even CARE that Heroes is still crap because OH MY GOD HIRO AND ANDO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. ( Seriously, this paragraph is purely spoilery for Hiro and Ando's first scene and nothing else )

4. There was a thing somewhere on the internet today saying 1 in 10 women in Britain have never had sex sober. I was trying to convince myself that being one-in-ten made me SPECIAL and not PATHETIC when I realised that I don't think I've ever even KISSED anyone while sober, let alone done anything remotely sexual. And THEN I realised that I have TOTALLY kissed people when I was sober, but both of those people were BOYS when I was ABOUT SEVENTEEN. And then I decided that it was only going to get more pathetic-sounding the more I thought about it so I decided to get off that whole train of thought.

ETA: ( okay, so I watched all of Heroes )

The Princess Bride was a great idea. On top of The Princess Bride being a good idea IN GENERAL, The Princess Bride with a packed-out late-night slightly-overexcited audience was an especially good plan. The best part was when Buttercup was having a go at the Dread Pirate Roberts for killing her True Love, and someone excitedly whispered "she doesn't recognise him!!!" The other best part was when everyone cheered for Fezzik during the end credits. Oh, Fezzik.

A less good idea was getting a haircut while slightly hungover. I hate my hair so much. I hate my hair so much. I was going to try and think of somethin different to say for my third sentence but I thought it would be MORE ACCURATE just to say the truest thing twice.

Not watching any of this week's telly until today was definitely a good plan. ( Peep Show and The Office and Parks and Recreation )

I have been listening to Girls Aloud interspersed with Catatonia. I cannot think of a better combination.

THINGS:

1. It was my last counselling today. I don't think I am at all Cured but my counsellor seemed convinced that I am totally fixed forever. I am really not convinced.

2. Preston was in the headlines NOT ONCE BUT TWICE yesterday! Oh, Preston. Its two claims to fame: Strip Club Reprimanded For Poster (Perfect 10s is, incidentally, the strip club that Darren the Bisexual Tree Surgeon got kicked out of for getting grabby - so, y'know, they may have horrible posters but at least they know a sleazebag when they see one.) And OH MY GOD OH MY GOD Shop Worker 'Licked Food On Sale'. I don't think I ever went to that Asda, but oh my god. STAY CLASSY, PRESTON.

Oh god, I miss Preston. Never thought I'd find myself typing that.

3. The best thing about having watched The Sopranos is that now whenever I watch gangster films (which is something I have been doing QUITE A LOT lately) there is almost always someone in the cast that I know because they used to hang out with Tony Soprano. Most often it's Pussy Bonpensiero, which is GOOD because he is GREAT. I love Pussy. I love PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE in The Sopranos. It really isn't a show that WANTS or DESERVES to be loved unconditionally, but sometimes I just OVERLOOK this and love it with TOTAL SHALLOWNESS and IGNORE ALL OF ITS MANY FAULTS. And then I think about how much it would probably ANNOY David Chase to know that I am enjoying his masterpiece so incorrectly and THAT makes me especially happy because David Chase is a dick.

4. I am seeing The Princess Bride with Cee tomorrow. I am quite excited about this. Partly I am excited because I am still REELING from the news that Vizzini is also the Grand Nagus and I want to see if I recognise him. I'M SURE I WILL, I'M VERY GOOD AT RECOGNITION.

5. I can't think of anything else. I think there's been something I've been meaning to post about for WEEKS and I keep forgetting it and then remembering hours after I post. I'm sure it'll come back to me at midnight. BAH.

Highlights from today's Pretend Fighting:

"A good friend once told me: 'if you ain't got guard then you ain't hard'."
"YOU ARE BRUCE LEE! COME ON!"
"PUNCH HIM IN THE RIBS, if you punch him in the ribs HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE!!!"
"We're switching tracks next week. Does anyone here love Robbie Williams?"

I love Pretend Fighting. I love the instructor and his DORKY PSYCHOPATH persona. This week, because apparently it was the last session with these particular routines, he brought in a huge tin of Quality Street which he passed around at the end of the lesson. And a whole bunch of people were like WE ARE HERE TO SCULPT OUR BODIES, YOU JERK and he looked a bit sheepish and said he should probably have brought in oranges. He is ADORABLE. I am totally in favour of RIDICULOUS AGGRESSION combined with free chocolate.


Other stuff:

1. I can't really see product placement being anything but totally laughable on British telly. Maybe it's just because I associate product placement with things like Hiro Nakamura's Nissan Versa and all that Subway advertising on Chuck but, other than Doctor Who, I just don't think we make anything glossy enough for product placement that isn't a period drama. And while obviously Merlin and The Tudors are ridiculous enough that I wouldn't be SURPRISED if someone whipped out their awesome new iPod, I can't quite see it happening.

2. I thought Derren Brown's latest thing was a bit mean-spirited and horrible. I know that misleading people is what he DOES, but he did just essentially make 24 people look like idiots in front of the whole country for an hour. I was a bit judgey. Anyway, the reason I bring the whole business up is because this explanation of how he predicted the numbers made me laugh like an idiot.

3. The smell in my room is back. I don't know what to do about the smell. I really thought that bleach would kill it.

4. I get a bonus! At first I was like, "THAT IS ALL I GET FOR MY YEARS OF DEDICATION???" and then I remembered that I haven't actually dedicated years and this would pay for my Connotations hotel room and train ticket. Which is DECIDEDLY good enough. Connotations is dead soon now.

5. I need a shower. I should do that now.

I had quite a brilliant weekend! On Friday I made a MAD DASH from work to the South Bank to see Rebel Without A Cause with Rachael and Cee. Rebel Without A Cause is one of those films which I'd never seen before but which I'd always assumed I knew all about. TURNS OUT I HAD NO IDEA, DUDES. I expected James Dean to be all Brooding and Macho and Jerky but actually he was Hilarious and Sweet and RIDICULOUSLY OVERSENSITIVE about people calling him a chicken. And before the film started, a woman came out and talked FOR ABOUT AN HOUR about the subtle queer themes of the film and how Sal Mineo's tragic love for James Dean was all SECRETLY CODED and then the film started and Sal Mineo was SO BLATANTLY IN LOVE with James Dean that it made her speech seem SLIGHTLY mad with hindsight. So, yes, it was all a bit surprisingly lovely. I like how they all behaved like teenagers, which seems like a ridiculously obvious statement but, yes. We followed up the film with Chinese food, which was a Good Plan.

THEN! Then yesterday I ventured out to Camden to meet Rachael and go to the various markets. Rachael had actually told me about Camden before I moved to London, and I had been LARGELY UNCONVINCED (being, as I am, not all that great a fan of clothes OR markets). But I had sort of reckoned without the beautiful handbags. I have yet to find a handbag that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and suddenly finding myself in a NEST of beautiful handbags was a bit much. Fortunately, I have no money for the next few days, so I didn't make any rash purchases. But OH, it was all very pretty. And I had a giant chocolate chip cookie and we drank coke in a cuban-style bar where the man JUDGED us for our lack of alcohol-consumption. And we walked for what felt like a million miles without actually getting ANYWHERE AT ALL. It was all a bit great.

And today I played the weird Beatles rockband game with my housemates! The scary cgi beatles grinning out of the telly tends to put me off my game, but it's still nice to play rock band and actually know the songs. Also it has reminded me that, while I tend to think that I just sortof Quite Like the music of The Beatles, if you asked me to pick a favourite song I'd rattle off about SEVEN before refusing to choose. But if you pushed me I'd probably pick Drive My Car. Or maybe Get Back. Maybe. OH GOD.

Someone had balti earlier and now the whole flat smells DELICIOUS when I am going to have carrots and sweetcorn for my dinner. LIFE IS UNFAIR. On the positive side, I have finished all my washing. Hurrah!

I think I killed the smell in my room! I scrubbed the scary wall with bleach for, like, AN HOUR and now my room smells like bleach instead of evil! I HOPE I HAVE KILLED IT FOREVER, THE SMELL WAS REALLY STARTING TO GET EMBARRASSING.

(Also I swam for what I think was a kilometer, but it was about as much as I've already been swimming so it felt LESS like an achievement than killing the smell. Also I don't think swimming is doing what I want it to. I like feeling achey afterwards, but if there are any endorphins to be had from swimming, I think I'm missing a vital step in getting them out.)

MOSTLY I AM PLEASED ABOUT THE SMELL BEING GONE. I also took out the bins and washed the dishes. I might ALMOST resemble an actual person if I maintain this rate of Not Completely Failing At Life. (CLEARLY what I need is a clip of Londo saying "KEEP IT UP!" for whenever I need encouragement. Actually, I think I just need Londo to come and shout at me NO MATTER WHAT MY MOOD. Oh, Londo.)

THINGS:

1. I'd been all like, "SWIMMING? What good is SWIMMING to me?" As it turns out, I have some degree of upper body strength for the first time ever after a lifetime of avoiding manual labour. I am not sure how to cope with this development.

It's not LOADS of upper body strength, like. We're talking Not Getting Achey Arms When I Carry Shopping Home levels of strength. And, like, it wasn't proper shopping (I only consider it proper shopping if there are several bags of fruit and at least one bottle of diet coke). But there were cans! And some cartons! I am PRACTICALLY HERCULES! Maybe.

2. Speaking of shopping, green peppers are the crappest peppers of all. I am the laziest shopper on the planet so when I buy peppers I get them in those nifty traffic-light bags of three - one red, one yellow, one green - but, while I totally LIVE for red and yellow peppers, I think the green ones are a bit rub. I can eat them but I sort of resent it. So I end up IMMEDIATELY scoffing the good peppers and then there's a green pepper sitting in the fridge for a week and I just feel INCREASINGLY ASHAMED that I was too lazy to just PICK OUT some peppers that I actually wanted rather than pointlessly grabbing the pre-packaged ones.

This isn't really a whine that I have any legitimate reason to make because the solution is so embarrassingly straightforward. But STILL.

So anyway, I have a green pepper that I need to do something with tomorrow night. Or the night after that. Maybe if I leave it out enticingly on the counter someone else will eat it for me. MAN, green peppers are rub.

3. I spent the evening attempting to do Rock Band with my housemates. I am not good at Rock Band. I think it was a plot on their part to SHAME me out of singing in the shower as much as I do. Unfortunately, their plan will inevitably backfire because they're planning on getting the Beatles edition soon and I suspect that I will be better at singing along to the Beatles than I will be to, I don't know, Nirvana and the Foo Fighters. ANYWAY, it was fun despite my crappiness. And that is what matters.

4. Ever since the finale of Nurse Jackie I have had that Creedence Clearwater song stuck in my head. ( I really liked Nurse Jackie )

I am still lacking in new TV to immerse myself in. It's not helpful.

Things that happened this weekend:

1. I immaced my forearms. I don't really know what I was expecting. I have very dark hair and very pasty skin and I spent a large chunk of my early pubescence in a self-hating cycle of armhair-removal and armhair-growth, and the one thing I learned from it was that there's no point trying to get rid of forearm-hair because, various feminist considerations aside, the one thing worse than hairy forearms is STUBBLY forearms. I am currently in posession of stubbly forearms and - just as I suspected - it hasn't made me any happier. I don't know why I felt the need to re-learn this lesson. I just sort of stood under the shower washing everything off and sort of blankly thinking, "well. Chemically burned off two arms' worth of perfectly normal hair, there. Nice going."

IN ITS FAVOUR, I have to say that immac has learned the secret of not SMELLING LIKE EVIL INCARNATE over the past eight years. And apparently it exfoliates now. So, you know, that's sort of an upside. OH GOD.

2. Mummy and Cathy came to London and we saw Helen at the Globe! It was actually properly brill. The woman playing Helen was completel fabulous and hilarious and gorgeous and I want all of her babies. And she was in love with Paul McGann! And they were SO IN LOVE! I don't have a huge amount of attachment to Paul McGann, considering how much attachment I could EASILY HAVE to a dude from Liverpool who was in Withnail and I and who played The Doctor. But still, when he was onstage about three feet away from me I got a bit weirdly giddy. I get starstruck really easily, which CONFUSES me because I like to think of myself as ABOVE that sort of thing and then I realise that I am TOTALLY NOT. But, yes. Helen was brilliant and funny and at the end everyone did a dance, which was brill.

3. Cathy then came to Ealing with me and JUDGED my tiny stuffy room and watched telly with me. We watched a lot of Mysterious Ways, which is the thing with Adrian Pasdar where he's scruffy and academic and has a dog and two friends who love him and the plots are ridiculous but it's all a bit lovely. Mysterious Ways is sort of great because before I saw it I always thought that Adrian Pasdar was sort of hilarious and good at playing men who wear suits and ties but not much else. But Declan Dunn is SO much more my kind of character, and it's very easy television to half-watch and talk over and he and Miranda and Peggy are all sort of a brilliant team and I sort of love it. I even sort of love the dog, which is just insane.

We also watched a bit of The X Files, which is Cathy's current thing. I was surprised by how much I liked the episode we saw. I have always been a bit scared to watch the X Files in case I FAILED AT LIFE and didn't love Scully, which would just be embarrassing. But I get the impression that I have been worrying UNNECESSARILY and that competence really isn't always a bad thing - especially when your partner is MULDER. Dude.

4. I did some more swimming! Sadly this was AFTER the immacing incident, so I had EVEN FEWER things to think about in the swimming pool than I did the previous time. I didn't think this through at all.

5. I haven't washed any of my clothes. All of my trousers are dirty and one pair is BLOODSTAINED. I am not sure what I'm planning on wearing to work tomorrow.