WELL. I just had a birthday where I was not violently ill and no other disasters occured! I CONSIDER THAT A WIN. Cee came all the way out to West London and I made her look in designer shops with me BECAUSE I STILL FIND THAT HILARIOUS and then we watched Julie and Julia which was ALL ABOUT FOOD and then we had italian food and then we retired to a super-classy chain pub where I drank bacardi because THAT IS WHAT 50 CENT WOULD HAVE WANTED and then I came HOME and I am INCAPABLE of telling if I'm going blind or not but being around people makes me a lot less convinced about my oncoming blindness. It is very tricky. But I was not struck blind on my birthday, which is SOMETHING!

Julie and Julia, half of the film was about lovely Meryl Streep and her lovely husband who I AM SURE I KNOW but I have no idea where from. I looked at his imdb and everything, maybe he just has one of those faces. Anyway, that half of the film was lovely. The other half was about a dreadful self-obsessed blogging girl who was sort of HILARIOUSLY awful. The film cleverly KNEW that she was awful and had people tell her that she was awful OVER AND OVER AGAIN, which made her more bearable. ALSO I spent the whole film staring at her friend and trying to figure out how I knew her and why she was so familiar. It turns out her friend was Mary Lou from the Larry Sanders Show! Who was totally incompetent and sullen and who took over from Janeane Garofalo and loved Sarah Silverman! And she looks EXACTLY THE SAME now and I had NO IDEA who she was and imdb was SO much more helpful in that case.

Also I really want to see the film with Scott Bakula and Buster. Dude.

I have been alive on this planet for 23 years and I have not died ONE SINGLE TIME and no one has declared nuclear war on anyone else and I have not been SMOTE DOWN by God (although I still think he might be in the rprocess of striking me blind, it's hard to say right now) and- IT IS VERY CONFUSING. I never expected to live to 23. I can still do shorthand, though, TWO YEARS ON.

Jim Halpert is the WORST. (Kelly is the best. Oscar gets points. ANGELA.) I love it when The Office is all about how Jim and Pam are secretly gigantic dicks. I quite LIKE Pam but she is sort of a dick just for being on Jim's team. Jim is the WORST. Also Dobby is just shameless wish-fulfillment but I just want her to love me anyway. Peep Show is not good at the moment but 'my life has been one long adjustment to loss' or however the line went was clearly CHEATING


I AM GOING TO BED NOW ILU ALL GOODNIGHT.

I can't believe I haven't talked about Connotations yet. Connotations was a bit awesome. I am suffering from a pretty epic bout of post-con lag, though, which is less helpful. Also my body is currently still recovering from the weekend of too much wine and too many roast potatoes and far too little sleep, but I'm sure my body will do EXEPTIONALLY well with these minor challenges.

So, yes. ( connotations was great )


I am way behind on telly. But! But! ( Is it just me or did Parks and Recreation unexpectedly get QUITE GOOD? )



I love Londo. There was an impromptu Londo/G'Kar Quantum Leap crossover. It was BRILL.

THINGS:

1. I have started to think of the hair you walk out of the hairdressers with as being like the 'serving suggestion' photo they put on the side of some food packets. Yes it's possible to do that with your hair. You might even get close. But there's pretty much no chance that you will ever truly replicate it so probably you shouldn't get too worked up over it.

2. I have watched TWO films, at least, where a director has chosen to signify a flashback by zooming in on the MOURNFUL EYES of one of the actors. Both of the times this happened, the actor being zoomed in on was Danny DeVito. Both of the times I went, "wow, whoever directed this sure is in love with Danny DeVito!" And then, both times, I looked the film up on imdb and discovered that the director WAS Danny DeVito. I can sort of understand this vanity zoom-in ONCE but I think that TWICE would be pushing it even if you had the most beautiful eyes in the WORLD.

3. I have gotten about fifteen minutes into the new Heroes and I don't even CARE that Heroes is still crap because OH MY GOD HIRO AND ANDO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. ( Seriously, this paragraph is purely spoilery for Hiro and Ando's first scene and nothing else )

4. There was a thing somewhere on the internet today saying 1 in 10 women in Britain have never had sex sober. I was trying to convince myself that being one-in-ten made me SPECIAL and not PATHETIC when I realised that I don't think I've ever even KISSED anyone while sober, let alone done anything remotely sexual. And THEN I realised that I have TOTALLY kissed people when I was sober, but both of those people were BOYS when I was ABOUT SEVENTEEN. And then I decided that it was only going to get more pathetic-sounding the more I thought about it so I decided to get off that whole train of thought.

ETA: ( okay, so I watched all of Heroes )

The Princess Bride was a great idea. On top of The Princess Bride being a good idea IN GENERAL, The Princess Bride with a packed-out late-night slightly-overexcited audience was an especially good plan. The best part was when Buttercup was having a go at the Dread Pirate Roberts for killing her True Love, and someone excitedly whispered "she doesn't recognise him!!!" The other best part was when everyone cheered for Fezzik during the end credits. Oh, Fezzik.

A less good idea was getting a haircut while slightly hungover. I hate my hair so much. I hate my hair so much. I was going to try and think of somethin different to say for my third sentence but I thought it would be MORE ACCURATE just to say the truest thing twice.

Not watching any of this week's telly until today was definitely a good plan. ( Peep Show and The Office and Parks and Recreation )

I have been listening to Girls Aloud interspersed with Catatonia. I cannot think of a better combination.

THINGS:

1. It was my last counselling today. I don't think I am at all Cured but my counsellor seemed convinced that I am totally fixed forever. I am really not convinced.

2. Preston was in the headlines NOT ONCE BUT TWICE yesterday! Oh, Preston. Its two claims to fame: Strip Club Reprimanded For Poster (Perfect 10s is, incidentally, the strip club that Darren the Bisexual Tree Surgeon got kicked out of for getting grabby - so, y'know, they may have horrible posters but at least they know a sleazebag when they see one.) And OH MY GOD OH MY GOD Shop Worker 'Licked Food On Sale'. I don't think I ever went to that Asda, but oh my god. STAY CLASSY, PRESTON.

Oh god, I miss Preston. Never thought I'd find myself typing that.

3. The best thing about having watched The Sopranos is that now whenever I watch gangster films (which is something I have been doing QUITE A LOT lately) there is almost always someone in the cast that I know because they used to hang out with Tony Soprano. Most often it's Pussy Bonpensiero, which is GOOD because he is GREAT. I love Pussy. I love PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE in The Sopranos. It really isn't a show that WANTS or DESERVES to be loved unconditionally, but sometimes I just OVERLOOK this and love it with TOTAL SHALLOWNESS and IGNORE ALL OF ITS MANY FAULTS. And then I think about how much it would probably ANNOY David Chase to know that I am enjoying his masterpiece so incorrectly and THAT makes me especially happy because David Chase is a dick.

4. I am seeing The Princess Bride with Cee tomorrow. I am quite excited about this. Partly I am excited because I am still REELING from the news that Vizzini is also the Grand Nagus and I want to see if I recognise him. I'M SURE I WILL, I'M VERY GOOD AT RECOGNITION.

5. I can't think of anything else. I think there's been something I've been meaning to post about for WEEKS and I keep forgetting it and then remembering hours after I post. I'm sure it'll come back to me at midnight. BAH.

Highlights from today's Pretend Fighting:

"A good friend once told me: 'if you ain't got guard then you ain't hard'."
"YOU ARE BRUCE LEE! COME ON!"
"PUNCH HIM IN THE RIBS, if you punch him in the ribs HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE!!!"
"We're switching tracks next week. Does anyone here love Robbie Williams?"

I love Pretend Fighting. I love the instructor and his DORKY PSYCHOPATH persona. This week, because apparently it was the last session with these particular routines, he brought in a huge tin of Quality Street which he passed around at the end of the lesson. And a whole bunch of people were like WE ARE HERE TO SCULPT OUR BODIES, YOU JERK and he looked a bit sheepish and said he should probably have brought in oranges. He is ADORABLE. I am totally in favour of RIDICULOUS AGGRESSION combined with free chocolate.


Other stuff:

1. I can't really see product placement being anything but totally laughable on British telly. Maybe it's just because I associate product placement with things like Hiro Nakamura's Nissan Versa and all that Subway advertising on Chuck but, other than Doctor Who, I just don't think we make anything glossy enough for product placement that isn't a period drama. And while obviously Merlin and The Tudors are ridiculous enough that I wouldn't be SURPRISED if someone whipped out their awesome new iPod, I can't quite see it happening.

2. I thought Derren Brown's latest thing was a bit mean-spirited and horrible. I know that misleading people is what he DOES, but he did just essentially make 24 people look like idiots in front of the whole country for an hour. I was a bit judgey. Anyway, the reason I bring the whole business up is because this explanation of how he predicted the numbers made me laugh like an idiot.

3. The smell in my room is back. I don't know what to do about the smell. I really thought that bleach would kill it.

4. I get a bonus! At first I was like, "THAT IS ALL I GET FOR MY YEARS OF DEDICATION???" and then I remembered that I haven't actually dedicated years and this would pay for my Connotations hotel room and train ticket. Which is DECIDEDLY good enough. Connotations is dead soon now.

5. I need a shower. I should do that now.

I had quite a brilliant weekend! On Friday I made a MAD DASH from work to the South Bank to see Rebel Without A Cause with Rachael and Cee. Rebel Without A Cause is one of those films which I'd never seen before but which I'd always assumed I knew all about. TURNS OUT I HAD NO IDEA, DUDES. I expected James Dean to be all Brooding and Macho and Jerky but actually he was Hilarious and Sweet and RIDICULOUSLY OVERSENSITIVE about people calling him a chicken. And before the film started, a woman came out and talked FOR ABOUT AN HOUR about the subtle queer themes of the film and how Sal Mineo's tragic love for James Dean was all SECRETLY CODED and then the film started and Sal Mineo was SO BLATANTLY IN LOVE with James Dean that it made her speech seem SLIGHTLY mad with hindsight. So, yes, it was all a bit surprisingly lovely. I like how they all behaved like teenagers, which seems like a ridiculously obvious statement but, yes. We followed up the film with Chinese food, which was a Good Plan.

THEN! Then yesterday I ventured out to Camden to meet Rachael and go to the various markets. Rachael had actually told me about Camden before I moved to London, and I had been LARGELY UNCONVINCED (being, as I am, not all that great a fan of clothes OR markets). But I had sort of reckoned without the beautiful handbags. I have yet to find a handbag that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and suddenly finding myself in a NEST of beautiful handbags was a bit much. Fortunately, I have no money for the next few days, so I didn't make any rash purchases. But OH, it was all very pretty. And I had a giant chocolate chip cookie and we drank coke in a cuban-style bar where the man JUDGED us for our lack of alcohol-consumption. And we walked for what felt like a million miles without actually getting ANYWHERE AT ALL. It was all a bit great.

And today I played the weird Beatles rockband game with my housemates! The scary cgi beatles grinning out of the telly tends to put me off my game, but it's still nice to play rock band and actually know the songs. Also it has reminded me that, while I tend to think that I just sortof Quite Like the music of The Beatles, if you asked me to pick a favourite song I'd rattle off about SEVEN before refusing to choose. But if you pushed me I'd probably pick Drive My Car. Or maybe Get Back. Maybe. OH GOD.

Someone had balti earlier and now the whole flat smells DELICIOUS when I am going to have carrots and sweetcorn for my dinner. LIFE IS UNFAIR. On the positive side, I have finished all my washing. Hurrah!

I think I killed the smell in my room! I scrubbed the scary wall with bleach for, like, AN HOUR and now my room smells like bleach instead of evil! I HOPE I HAVE KILLED IT FOREVER, THE SMELL WAS REALLY STARTING TO GET EMBARRASSING.

(Also I swam for what I think was a kilometer, but it was about as much as I've already been swimming so it felt LESS like an achievement than killing the smell. Also I don't think swimming is doing what I want it to. I like feeling achey afterwards, but if there are any endorphins to be had from swimming, I think I'm missing a vital step in getting them out.)

MOSTLY I AM PLEASED ABOUT THE SMELL BEING GONE. I also took out the bins and washed the dishes. I might ALMOST resemble an actual person if I maintain this rate of Not Completely Failing At Life. (CLEARLY what I need is a clip of Londo saying "KEEP IT UP!" for whenever I need encouragement. Actually, I think I just need Londo to come and shout at me NO MATTER WHAT MY MOOD. Oh, Londo.)

THINGS:

1. I'd been all like, "SWIMMING? What good is SWIMMING to me?" As it turns out, I have some degree of upper body strength for the first time ever after a lifetime of avoiding manual labour. I am not sure how to cope with this development.

It's not LOADS of upper body strength, like. We're talking Not Getting Achey Arms When I Carry Shopping Home levels of strength. And, like, it wasn't proper shopping (I only consider it proper shopping if there are several bags of fruit and at least one bottle of diet coke). But there were cans! And some cartons! I am PRACTICALLY HERCULES! Maybe.

2. Speaking of shopping, green peppers are the crappest peppers of all. I am the laziest shopper on the planet so when I buy peppers I get them in those nifty traffic-light bags of three - one red, one yellow, one green - but, while I totally LIVE for red and yellow peppers, I think the green ones are a bit rub. I can eat them but I sort of resent it. So I end up IMMEDIATELY scoffing the good peppers and then there's a green pepper sitting in the fridge for a week and I just feel INCREASINGLY ASHAMED that I was too lazy to just PICK OUT some peppers that I actually wanted rather than pointlessly grabbing the pre-packaged ones.

This isn't really a whine that I have any legitimate reason to make because the solution is so embarrassingly straightforward. But STILL.

So anyway, I have a green pepper that I need to do something with tomorrow night. Or the night after that. Maybe if I leave it out enticingly on the counter someone else will eat it for me. MAN, green peppers are rub.

3. I spent the evening attempting to do Rock Band with my housemates. I am not good at Rock Band. I think it was a plot on their part to SHAME me out of singing in the shower as much as I do. Unfortunately, their plan will inevitably backfire because they're planning on getting the Beatles edition soon and I suspect that I will be better at singing along to the Beatles than I will be to, I don't know, Nirvana and the Foo Fighters. ANYWAY, it was fun despite my crappiness. And that is what matters.

4. Ever since the finale of Nurse Jackie I have had that Creedence Clearwater song stuck in my head. ( I really liked Nurse Jackie )

I am still lacking in new TV to immerse myself in. It's not helpful.

Things that happened this weekend:

1. I immaced my forearms. I don't really know what I was expecting. I have very dark hair and very pasty skin and I spent a large chunk of my early pubescence in a self-hating cycle of armhair-removal and armhair-growth, and the one thing I learned from it was that there's no point trying to get rid of forearm-hair because, various feminist considerations aside, the one thing worse than hairy forearms is STUBBLY forearms. I am currently in posession of stubbly forearms and - just as I suspected - it hasn't made me any happier. I don't know why I felt the need to re-learn this lesson. I just sort of stood under the shower washing everything off and sort of blankly thinking, "well. Chemically burned off two arms' worth of perfectly normal hair, there. Nice going."

IN ITS FAVOUR, I have to say that immac has learned the secret of not SMELLING LIKE EVIL INCARNATE over the past eight years. And apparently it exfoliates now. So, you know, that's sort of an upside. OH GOD.

2. Mummy and Cathy came to London and we saw Helen at the Globe! It was actually properly brill. The woman playing Helen was completel fabulous and hilarious and gorgeous and I want all of her babies. And she was in love with Paul McGann! And they were SO IN LOVE! I don't have a huge amount of attachment to Paul McGann, considering how much attachment I could EASILY HAVE to a dude from Liverpool who was in Withnail and I and who played The Doctor. But still, when he was onstage about three feet away from me I got a bit weirdly giddy. I get starstruck really easily, which CONFUSES me because I like to think of myself as ABOVE that sort of thing and then I realise that I am TOTALLY NOT. But, yes. Helen was brilliant and funny and at the end everyone did a dance, which was brill.

3. Cathy then came to Ealing with me and JUDGED my tiny stuffy room and watched telly with me. We watched a lot of Mysterious Ways, which is the thing with Adrian Pasdar where he's scruffy and academic and has a dog and two friends who love him and the plots are ridiculous but it's all a bit lovely. Mysterious Ways is sort of great because before I saw it I always thought that Adrian Pasdar was sort of hilarious and good at playing men who wear suits and ties but not much else. But Declan Dunn is SO much more my kind of character, and it's very easy television to half-watch and talk over and he and Miranda and Peggy are all sort of a brilliant team and I sort of love it. I even sort of love the dog, which is just insane.

We also watched a bit of The X Files, which is Cathy's current thing. I was surprised by how much I liked the episode we saw. I have always been a bit scared to watch the X Files in case I FAILED AT LIFE and didn't love Scully, which would just be embarrassing. But I get the impression that I have been worrying UNNECESSARILY and that competence really isn't always a bad thing - especially when your partner is MULDER. Dude.

4. I did some more swimming! Sadly this was AFTER the immacing incident, so I had EVEN FEWER things to think about in the swimming pool than I did the previous time. I didn't think this through at all.

5. I haven't washed any of my clothes. All of my trousers are dirty and one pair is BLOODSTAINED. I am not sure what I'm planning on wearing to work tomorrow.

1. If you can think of any to ask me, I would totally like to do fannish top fives. I won't judge you if you can't be bothered, though. And obv I will then do my civic duty and ask you for your top five things. Because there is nothing as good as a list.

2. My stomach is nowhere near as bad as it was, but it's still a bit weird. I am swinging wildly between OH GOD I AM PROBABLY DYING and NO IT'S PROBABLY JUST WIND. I started bleeding today, though, so maybe it'll all just bleed away. It feels a lot like what I always assumed menstrual cramps would be like if I had them. And, if it doesn't just bleed away, I have an appointment with a nurse on Thursday. So I am going to just try not to think about it until then.

3. While Charlie Brooker's panel game thing isn't exactly brilliant quality television, I like that there are a lot of times when he drops that annoying fakey ranting persona from screenwipe and just looks amused by the unfunny things the panelists are saying. It's quite nice. I really like Charlie Brooker. I don't think he is as good as people claim he is, but I like him and I like it when he's on telly not being actively annoying.

4. I think my room might have mildew. How does ANYONE manage to be filthy enough to grow mould in their BEDROOM? Jesus, I am disgusting. My next question is: how do you clean mildew off a non-tiled wall?

5. I realised while I was on holiday that while I love Brothers And Sisters On Telly in GENERAL I also have a specific TYPE that I really like:

Like, I like it when there's a grown-up dude who is pretty much entirely responsible for his huge extended family. And I like it when he has a grown-up sister and he's kind of resentful because he has this idea that he spends a huge amount of his energy trying to be a Good Son (but usually actually this is a WAY DELUSIONAL martyr complex) whereas she's just a massive freeloader. And I like it when she thinks of herself as, like, a wonderful generous FREE SPIRIT when it suits her but really she's just as selfish as he is. And I like it when she is Devious but he's known her forever so sometimes he can see through her. And I like it when they know a million of each other's embarrassing secrets (which they don't hesitate to threaten to use against each other) and I like it when she's sexually forward in a way that makes him uncomfortable in one way or another and I like it when they FIGHT CONSTANTLY and he's a complete jerk to her but they both know that when it comes down to it he'll always look after her and- and- OKAY.

I know that this is VAGUE but you could sort of marginally adjust it to fit SO MANY of my very favourite Brother-and-Sister pairings* and I had NO IDEA for SO LONG. And probably I have just been going from ONE SHOW TO ANOTHER applying this filter to ANY sets of brothers and sisters that come my way and can plausibly fit this dynamic. I AM LIKE A HARRY/DRACO SHIPPER. OH MY GOD.

6. I think I might go and get chips. I don't think I need chips but I haven't done any proper food shopping yet and the choice between chips and tesco is such an easy one. Chips. Chips and... is there a new Nurse Jackie? There must be.


* 'pairings' is maybe the wrong word here, because usually I do 'ship brothers and sisters but I think that I like this sort of thing in a way that isn't necessarily 'shippy. But then I think that maybe I'm just hesitant about it because OMG FICTIONAL INCEST so I don't know. I'm not good at shipping incest - the actual incest really isn't my kink, so I just pretend in my brain that the whole BEING RELATED thing just magically isn't an issue. Admittedly, as in the case of Arrested Development, this is sometimes a fair enough attitude.

WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DO I CONTINUE TO GIVE APPLE MY MONEY WHEN ALL THEY DO IS TAKE MY MONEY AND LAUGH IN MY FACE? FUCK.

RIGHT. Are there any mp3 players that do what iPods do without also BREAKING at every possible opportunity? I would like an mp3 player that has a wheel on the front that makes a little clicky noise, that keeps podcasts in a nice separate folder and that downloads them when they update, that doesn't have any flashy radio things or internet access or annoying buttons, that has surprisingly helpful functions like on-the-go playlists and that useless genius thing. BASICALLY I WOULD LIKE AN IPOD THAT IS ACTUALLY REMOTELY RELIABLE. I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT IS SO MUCH TO ASK GIVEN HOW MUCH THE BLOODY THINGS COST. I would also like Steve Jobs to FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT HIMSELF. That is what I would like. Also I would like a REFUND. Or maybe just a free replacement. Did this thing come with a warranty? I should check that. OH GOD, SO MUCH HATE.

I should be in bed. I'm going to go to sleep and tomorrow I am going to FIND SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN TO other than my flist.

GUYS. Guys guys guys, I was in Edinburgh FOREVER. My trip went like this:

1. I got on the train to Edinburgh.
2. I opened my sandwiches.
3. I DID NOT STOP EATING until I stepped off the train onto Ealing Broadway a week later.

Edinburgh is so beautiful. And so full of chips and cheap curry. And, in August, so full of things and people to see, which is slightly anxious-making but mostly wonderful. I love it so much. I love the vague levels of social interaction that you get from talking to people in foyers and in ticket queues and I quite like it when people harrass you to go and see their things and their things are things that you actually want to see and I love MUSICALS and I love RAIN and I love OCCASIONALLY SPOTTING NOT-VERY-FAMOUS COMEDIANS WANDERING THE STREET and I love LOSING YOUR IPOD IN THE SORT OF PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE NICE AND/OR WELL-OFF ENOUGH TO HAND IT IN RATHER THAN JUST ROB IT and I love HOLIDAY READING and I love TRAINS and I love HILLY CITIES and I love OVERPRICED DRINKS and I love TERRIBLE BORING PHYSICAL THEATRE and I love ACCIDENTALLY SEEING THE RUBBISHEST SHOWS EVER and I love GUYS WHO RESCUE YOU FROM HAVING TO DANCE WITH GUYS ONLY TO THEN TRY AND DANCE WITH YOU THEMSELVES and I love BLISTERS and I love BROKEN UMBRELLAS and I love SPENDING EVERY PENNY YOU OWN AND THEN SOME and I love TAKEAWAY-INDUCED INDIGESTION. I do not actually love all of these things, obviously. But I love the cumulative effect they have. I had a fantastic time.

I didn't see a lot of hugely famous things. I finally saw Wil Hodgson, who wasn't hilarious but who does that wonderful thing where he says things you agree with but he isn't a twat about it. And I saw John Hegley who I adore and I saw Miles Jupp who was shit. I saw the Princess Cabaret which was BRILLIANT BEYOND WORDS and had a rousing finale about lesbian sex which made me a bit sad. I stumbled out in a daze and someone handed me a flyer for something called 'snatch paradise', and in my sudden pathetic fog, I fixated on the word 'snatch' and bought a ticket. It was about as trashy as the title implied. At one point a girl took all of her clothes off and I was like JESUS CHRIST this is the first time in LONGER THAN I'D CARE TO THINK that I have seen a naked woman in person. It did not alleviate the depression. I saw THE OVERCOAT which was an amazing specatcle of stagecraft and music and which was also REALLY DULL. I saw an amateur production of One Touch Of Venus, which was Charming and made me want to spend the rest of my days dressing like a long-suffering personal secretary from the... 30s? Maybe? FROM THE PAST. I saw the A Team musical which is selling out UNDESERVEDLY but which DOES have some amazing disco dancing and- and OH! I saw a terrible play about Frank Sinatra called FRANK: THE MAN, THE MUSIC AND THE MAFIA which was not good but which was worth it for the accents. I also saw a very silly comedy set in the cold war, which was clearly incredible because I will watch anything with spies who wear sunglasses and trenchcoats. I saw a lot of other things but these were the highlights.

And now I am HOME. And it is very strange to be in, like, Ealing and settling back into Real Life. I still don't actually think of Ealing as Real Life. On the positive side, mummy brought some ESSENTIAL things to Edinburgh for me that I took back to London, so now I have Series 4 of Seinfeld to get through and a swimming costume. So probably I'm going to go swimming now so I won't have to unpack straight away. You should totally let me know if I missed anything ground-breaking over the past week. I arrived in London and saw a newsboard that essentially said that David Cameron's said something idiotic, so I don't imagine I've missed much. Hello!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY STOMACH? OH GOD THE WEIRD CHURNING WEIRDNESS.

Here are some unexciting things that would not constitute an Entire Post on their own:

1. NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH AIDA TURTURRO, DUDES. That is my advice to you. Do you know HOW MANY entire films I've sat through now just because she's had tiny miniscule one-scene parts in them? TOO MANY. And I get ridiculously overexcited EVERY TIME she turns up to deliver her one line. OH GOD, I LOVE HER. It isn't at all fair.

2. I totally forgot that it was the Ealing Jazz festival this week, but at the last minute I wandered into a pub and there were girls doing AMAZING SINGING. I don't actually know if it was part of the festival or if it was just some sort of brilliant coincidence, but it took up a large part of my afternoon. Well done, Ealing.

3. I think that actually a huge amount of my taste in girls is based on the secretary from Ghostbusters. I thought it was Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny but maybe actually it was Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters had shorter hair. But, on the other hand, I can actually remember Marisa Tomei's name. Or maybe there is some OTHER girl from a film deep in the recesses of the past who also had that accent. It's not actually that rare an accent.

(When I say 'my taste in girls' I clearly mean my taste in girls off the telly. Obv.)

4. Old Seinfeld episodes make everything better. Something from around the first four seasons, ideally. I don't think that there is any television that I love more than Seinfeld. I would totally take it to a desert island with me, except for the fact that I find it most helpful when I am recovering from some failed social interaction or other. So, like, I'd only need it on a desert island if I thought there was a possibility that the wild animals that possibly roamed the island might hate me.

5. My stomach hurts. And my head hurts. And I have all these bruises that I suspect are my own fault. And my room needs tidying. Sundays are tricky.

Things I worry about: EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING EVER.



John Gordillqo said I was a WEIRD DYKE for my dustin hoffman exception. It is possibly true. OR MAYBE I AM JUST REALLY AccurATELY. MAYBE.

I need to go to sleep. Also I need to wash my face. Not in that order.

Also I broke my top. I need to find a needle or sometjimg.

DUDES. DUDES. I just saw a terrible film and it was the most beautiful film ever and I really think you should all watch it now. Except that you shouldn't because you'd only mock me for loving it. But OH GOD, it was amazing.

OKAY. In this film, which is called FAMILY BUSINESS, Dustin Hoffman plays the son of Sean Connery. A BELIEVABLE SCENARIO, I THINK YOU'LL AGREE. Sean Connery is an aging criminal, Dustin Hoffman is a reformed criminal-turned-legitimate-dude, Matthew Broderick is their son who goes to some fancy college but who is SEDUCED by Sean Connery into the exciting world of crime.



( It is not GOOD but it is BEAUTIFUL. )

I had a huge insane rant about how much better Edie Falco's hair is now than it has been in ANYTHING ELSE I HAVE EVER SEEN and how the various articles I've read that have claimed it is fug are clearly WRONG, but I cut that out. Here are some words that are vaguely about the actual show instead. ( I really like Nurse Jackie, that's what I was trying to say )


There is a scary high-pitched noise coming from somewhere. I feel like I should venture into the flat and figure out if other people can hear it, but I'm scared I'll find out that it's either aliens or tinitus. I don't want it to be either of these things.

I had chinese takeaway today. It was a great plan.

I need to wash my hair. And put my dry clothes away. They've been dry for DAYS now.

I went outside yesterday! All the way to the GIANT SHOPPING CENTRE, which continues to both bemuse and delight me. Every time I go in there it's like- the actual shops themselves are smaller and more cramped and more full of people than they would be if I just went to a regular version of them out in the street. And they have the same stuff. So there is pretty much no advantage to Westfield other than the fact that it is impressively massive and all the shops are grouped together.

Some of the shops are actually massive, I have to say. Like, the Debenhams and the House of Fraser and the more department store-size places. But all branches of those shops are massive, so it's not like a huge step up. The House Of Fraser tricked me into going in by selling donuts, and then I got lost inside it and ended up looking at all these Armani products, which amused me so much - the idea that I should even be looking at Designer Stuff - that once I got out, I immediately decided to check out the special high-end bit of the shopping centre. I ended up looking in the Prada shop and the Dior shop and then eventually I got bored and gave up, but it felt a bit hysterical. In my head, I was walking up to them and I was expecting it to be like that scene in Pretty Woman, but I guess that either the recession is hitting the luxury brands or I wasn't dressed skankily enough because no one came and told me to gtfo. They just STRONGLY IMPLIED it with their doormen and their eerie silences. The designer shops are kind of brill because they're, like, vaguely-classy designer boutiques but they're in the middle of a glorified shopping centre, so as far as I can tell, they're more like museums than actual shops. I have a lot of trouble believing that anyone actually walks in there and buys anything, it's got to just be people like me going in to gawk and giggle to themselves.

Then I went to Evans, because it's actually the closest Evans to me so I thought I might as well make the most of being there, and tried on Beth Ditto's clothes. I don't think Beth Ditto thought her clothes through at all. Even the stuff that had looked quite nice in photos that I'd seen was just entirely unflattering. And Evans do, you know, CRAZY amounts of fitting room trickery to try and get you to buy their stuff. So while Beth Ditto's clothes were great in theory, in practice it felt like a bit of a waste of time. (The stained glass prom dress was actually quite pretty, but I'm not convinced that it was, like, fifty-odd pounds pretty. And when am I ever going to wear such a thing?)

ANYWAY, after I'd done no actual shopping, I headed to the Vue to meet Cee and we went to see Moon. ( I really liked Moon )

TODAY I was at McDonalds and pondering their trendy rebranding (which is nothing new, obv) and how I liked it better when McDonalds was at least HONEST about being tacky and shitty rather than pretending to be hip and vaguely aspirational. And suddenly Baggy Trousers came on the radio and the ENTIRE ROOM perked up. And, like, this group of teenage boys who I'd previously pegged as Possibly Threatening just immediately got all excited and one of them declared that "this is a BANGING tune!" So I was no longer intimidated by them because it is impossible to be properly scared by anyone who is Cheered by Madness.

Oh, hey, I actually watched Torchwood! ( I do not have thoughts that are either helpful or insightful or anything )